Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Seven Worst Crimes:

7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting

She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.

MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]

me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far

alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”

Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.

annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.

margaret really hates that.

Wife: How was work?

Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into

W: I despise you

[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”

*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube

Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:

Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?

Because he didn’t have the guts!

Happy Halloween 🎃

“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination

*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*

“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”

I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves

*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*

If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.

just ate enough garlic bread to kill a vampire by blowing a kiss

*phone rings*

Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”

Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*

Wife – “….””

I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.

I’m not sad, I’m big moaned

We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”

I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀

I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit

I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..

*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*

*bride and groom kiss*

minister: wow im like right here

Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.

“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”

I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.

Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.

My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.

I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.