Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.

CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.

me: so what do you do?

date: I work with animals

me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun

sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes

She is very cute, has great energy! 😂

I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.

I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.

In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.

I sing this with my entire soul to anyone within earshot. I truly believe, in my heart of hearts, that anything that is broken can always be mended.

-The inventor of duct tape, probably

Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.

Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?

Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.

*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*

IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera

Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good

Me: am I going to die?

Doctor: without treatment, yes

Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?

Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice

Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell

If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager

Feeling betrayed because my kid found my stash of Reese’s peanut butter cups that I originally took from his stash

a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen

stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.

To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.

watching gymnastics

me, a police sketch artist: is this him?

witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?

Me: you should join Twitter.

Them: I don’t even like people.

Me: then you’re gonna love it.

goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back

How high do the levels go?

FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.

PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.

My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”

[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS

Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?

Fireman: ….

{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?