Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
You Might Also Like
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
LinkedIn just texted me that people are looking at my profile. That feels ominous.
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
making bad rap music is committing crhymes.
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant