Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword

Stop

My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.

Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa

*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good

I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.

Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.

Boss I didn’t win Powerball please ignore previous text. I WILL be in today & everybody should NOT get fucked

I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.

Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?

Me: Buy stuff

My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.

ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*

MY DOG: *ears prick up*

Me: what’s the deal with airplane food

Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise

Bag of flesh that acts weird when another bag of flesh doesn’t send symbols on glowing screen

ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.

[kicks in your door to apologize to you]

Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.

if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.

Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.

I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.

Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?

Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”

Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”

Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”

Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.

I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules

Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:

“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”

Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?

Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?

Him: Not funny.

Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight

*as soon as I relax*

-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!

*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird

I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.

Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!

Her: so

Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.