Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
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IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
The possibility of monsters residing underneath your bed is negated when the mattress is positioned on the floor.
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
my friend told me he couldn’t hang out because he ate a handful of fruit snacks and I was like “um ok glucose queen go off” and then he was like “my mom was visiting and she combined my THC gummies and my melatonin gummies with my fruit snacks and I don’t know what I just ate”
My girlfriend is the square root of -100.
She’s a 10, but imaginary
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁