Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?

I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.

Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.

This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.

*flirting with a guy at work*

Soooooo, what do you do for a living?

I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.

That was a trip down memory lane

Me at a wine tasting:

*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.

Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!

My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.

I miss dating

The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…

Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed

Me: *turns on my cpap machine*

Her: Not like that

I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.

I listened to an interview with Matt Damon this morning. We always listen to interviews together.

how to lose 20lb

step 1: gain 40lb

ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.

My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.

Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there

I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now

“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’

ME: can you use it in a sentence?

JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?

Stands at the gates of hell.

Waves to my mother in law.

Leaves.

toddler: daddy do you like this book?

me: no

toddler: *snuggles in* perfect

I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?

I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.

Home Alone 2 is crazy because how the hell do you lose your kid twice

My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.

I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.

I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.

Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.

Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.

My math is correct, just ask any parent.

Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”