Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just a reminder: 3-year-olds like to be given a choice! When you’re getting ready to go, ask them “would you like to wear sneakers or sandals?” so that they feel INCLUDED and EMPOWERED to scream at the top of their lungs that they want to wear their Mickey Mouse bedroom slippers

doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day

I have said this before, but it’s weird when you realize that what you thought was rock bottom was actually somewhere around rock middle

[boarding a plane]

me: I’m nervous

steward: oh why?

me: *leans in for kiss*

5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.

Now they are tenants together.

If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.

My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.

I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.

Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.

Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.

I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.

[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?

Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?

Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.

Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?

[Me getting cut off in traffic]

GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!

[Notices USMC sticker]

AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!

Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.

*apocalypse happens*

My kids: This place doesn’t have any wifi?

Me: No place has any wifi.

My kids: Ugh. This is the worst apocalypse ever!

Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes

Sat in the waiting room at the vet and a lady just came walking in and goes “oh f**k, I’ve left the dog at home” 😂😂

Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.

Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?

I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.

Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.

Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M

My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?

Me: Yes!

Rooting for the overdog

I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me

I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.

imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now

I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.

Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does

That’s why I think of running everyday

best review i’ve ever seen

At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.