Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
set yourself free xox
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
Your honor these allegations are
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
