Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:

HDMI

Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*

[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders

Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.

My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.

Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.

Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.

Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.

– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery

When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.

A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook

“Taco Bell isn’t even good” Yeah I know. Sometimes the raccoon inside of me craves garbage. Leave me & my Crunchwrap alone

Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.

If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”

whatcha thinkin bout

My middle-schooler who happens to be at Comedy Camp this week just caught me using my fingers to calculate the month then ran to write it down so his final showcase should be sufficiently horrifying.

*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME

How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?

Me: I’m going to shower

6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!

Me: Aw, than-

6: just some make up would help

I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.

Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not

Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”

all the leaves are brown

and this guy is greg

My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.

Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover

broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting

*putting dead animal heads on the walls*

People will like this!

Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.

Me: I like the funny horse cartoon

Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it

Me: haha the cops a cat

HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)