half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
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I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
idk flipping houses looks really hard
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.