Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“What do we want?”

“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”

“When do we want it?”

“Not!”

Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.

if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.

job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness

me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage

[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens

1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
…
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2015: Taco Emoji!

“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”

Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.

Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”

Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”

Her: Make me a mimosa.

Me: But we’re out of orange juice.

Her: I don’t see the problem.

My sex drive has a dui

Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.

Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing

*in a job interview*

No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker

How you can tell a writer has no siblings:

“Hey, little bro / little sis.“

How you can tell a writer has siblings:

“Hey, loser. Mom called.”

The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.

“Are you going to finish that?”

-takes a tantrum from a toddler

I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.

I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.

Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.

Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?

Me *reports him to Human Resources*

tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.

It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…

When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.

Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.

Don’t we all.

I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that

You don’t see great advertising like this anymore

reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird

Spoiler Alert: I was late