Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
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How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
Holy shit he’s back
Wall-E is probably the most human love story of all: little gremlin man that collects cool shit meets shiny lady that wants him to have more plants.
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
Guide to being Batman
1 Lose parents. Inherit everything
2 Let people get murdered
3 Never murder the Joker because he’s the best at puns
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan