Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?

I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)

Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles

Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.

Me: See that guy right there? I met him in the 6th grade.

10: When there were dinosaurs?

I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.

“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids

Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.

Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”

[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*

I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.

I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.

It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.

ME: Is this chicken cooked?

WAITER: Why do you ask?

ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.

If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma

Look guys if The NY Times wanted to be serious journalism they wouldn’t have pivoted so hard into cooking and games, ok?

Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark

Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.

1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hours

Congratulations! How was Disneyworld?

This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…

Twerking is the crocs of dancing.

Stephen King ruined corn children for me

“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores

I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.

If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.

It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁

My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.

Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …

If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.

“now i’ve seen everything” no you haven’t. have you seen a frog drive a submarine? shut up

Cyber Monday has become too commercialized

Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?

Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words

Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that