Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The train announcer just said we should keep our personal belongings with us at all times but I’ve left most of mine at home.

Started answering all spam texts/calls of “is this so and so?” with “no, this is Patrick.”

Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.

GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use

What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision

Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.

To the knife wielding psycho who walked in on me in the shower; I’m sorry you had to see that

[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect

Heath: I’m Heath

Heather: I’m Heather

Me, competitive: I’m Heathest

“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room

Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.

Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.

Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”

1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymore

Anyone else notice this?

My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.

Silence of the Lambs is so relatable to me cuz I also understand the importance of moisturizing

Tonight, Joe Biden’s press conference is make or break. Everyone will be tuned in. It’s all anyone will be paying attention to. So it’s the perfect moment.

I’m going to steal the Declaration of Independence.

Please, if you ever offer me a snack and I say no, ask me again, I didn’t mean it the first time

THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD

8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]

me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?

8: I don’t care

me: hm ok

Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.

A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.

i usually decompose after work rather than decompress

Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.

It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.

Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.

I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.

Carl: So hot today.

Me: Tell me something I don’t know.

Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.

Me: Fair enough.

while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application

“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to

Him: Are you free later?

Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.

*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*

*audience claps politely*

[blind date]

HER: I’m a light eater

ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb