Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are three stages in a woman’s life.
1. Pampers
2. Always
3. Depends

[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*

couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day

[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first

[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]

Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?

First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright

If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.

Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?

Me: just my cat

*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*

Mom: why are you using drugs???

Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.

Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.

My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?

Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”

I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.

Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.

I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.

And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”

Reasons I visit a TL:

1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know

Me, flirting😏

Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?

Waiter: You can only take your own food

If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.

Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?

“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.

Her: Have you seen my glue gun?

Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.

My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.

Better than a Justin Bieber concert:

1. Being deaf.

2. A rattlesnake bite.

3. Chewing razor blades.

4. Licking a public toilet seat.

I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this

My husband is extra efficient.

He leaves cabinets open for next time.

Pro tip:

Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.

Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse

[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…

[another scientist who worked on the project] me too

I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare