Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”

I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.

[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!

Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons

Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion

doctor: describe your morning routine

me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance

doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g

me: I know how to spell it

Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?

Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT

I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.

Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!

Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder

Teacher: You know what, please don’t!

Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!

Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!

Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.

I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer

Hear me out:

A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full

I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.

I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks

Me: Experts say a messy house is a sign of love and safety.

Husband: What experts?

Me: Experts.

Husband: But who?

Me: Me. I’m the experts.

Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.

Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:

🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality

How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto

My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.

infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-

me: no

infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]

me: ok listen here

oh shit

You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.

[checking into a hotel]

Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away

Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here

When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back

I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.

Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…

The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi

My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.

when mom throws a party…

ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!

God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol

Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty

Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!

(Line goes dead)