Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

genie: hello-

me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade

Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.

Me: Almost? Quitter.

Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!

…and other things I never said before having kids

Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me

FRIEND: what r u watching

ME: unsolved mysteries

FRIEND: so just mysteries?

ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean

I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.

*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island

*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]

I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda

Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.

Much healthy.

MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?

We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.

This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet

You got this…

My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life

[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]

Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster

Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.

WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work

ME: Ok

[later]

ME: You wanted to see me?

BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor

You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.

Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you

Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute

Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.

In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.

brian had himself a morning…

Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.

When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.

“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”

*unbuttons pants*

“Not anymore!”

Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.

I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?

Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!

Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*

Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?

Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”