Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
You Might Also Like
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
Recently heard through the grapevine that my wife of twenty years boasted to her girlfriends on a tipsy night out that I was amazing in bed. She’s never said anything like that to me. I’m the proudest I’ve ever been, and I can’t tell anyone because I’m not supposed to know.
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
My spirit animal is fried chicken
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
Tell me why I had to find out via HGTV house hunters that my OBGYN is searching for a house in Florida bc SHES MOVING???
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”