ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
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If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
is this meant to deter me
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
Optimist: The cup is half full.
Pessimist: The cup is half empty.
Taxidermist: The cup was empty, but I stuffed it full again.
Bigamist: I think this is Rachel’s cup. Or Amy’s. Maybe Susan’s?
Alarmist: Someone drank out of my cup! Watch out for thirsty burglars, people!
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again