Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.

I’ve started taking a brisk walk straight after dinner and it’s saving me an absolute fortune on restaurant bills.

I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.

I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.

I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.

You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!

Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.

Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.

Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.

you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway

Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.

Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.

I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red

Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited

Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.

Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.

Damn girl, are you an octagon?

Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.

ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later

I wish I tried half as hard at anything as the cooking world does to substitute regular pizza dough with random bullshit.

My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.

I need a long hot meteor shower

last night in a voiceover session

me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong

Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.

My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house

A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”

The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.

*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later

Label: Non-habit forming

Me: Challenge accepted

Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?

Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left

People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?