me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
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The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
Publisher: You have a good story here, but I hate the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
I’d be like “vote for me and i’ll remove all the calories from cheese”…. *mic drop*
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
