Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night

2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭

“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”

– me whenever my wife sings while driving.

Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.

*Sad trombone noise*

Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”

I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.

I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.

Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?

How’d you get a black eye?

Walked into a door.

[Later, another shiner]

More doors?

*nods*

One does not simply walk into more doors.

Trumpy Cat

Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for

Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating

Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.

when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.

If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.

Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad

My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:

Survive in harsh conditions.

She’s never even been been camping.

Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.

anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?

my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse

All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.

“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.

Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.

a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl

My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004

The perfect Venn diagram doesn’t exis-

I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.

You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.

passed a guy walking down the street video chatting someone but here’s a fun twist: he was doing it on a laptop

Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.