@NoTheOtherJohn

Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.

You Might Also Like

@HatfieldAnne

Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?

@Peauxtassium

I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me

@squirrel74wkgn

It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”

@PussycatPlace

If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.

@lovemydogduck

My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.

@taylortomlinson

Somebody texted me “What are you doing?” and I just wrote back, “My best.”

@simoncholland

Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*

Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.

@shariv67

I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.

@crushingbort

“there’s only one thing to do when you’re Zero Dark Thirsty” *Navy Seals bust in and toss Bin Laden a Coke Zero, he pounds it in like 5 sec*