If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
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[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
saving face 👀
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met