Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.

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I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me


It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”


If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.


My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.


Somebody texted me “What are you doing?” and I just wrote back, “My best.”


Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*

Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.


I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.


“there’s only one thing to do when you’re Zero Dark Thirsty” *Navy Seals bust in and toss Bin Laden a Coke Zero, he pounds it in like 5 sec*