Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”

Flex on your dentist by asking if they’re free on a random Tuesday 6 months from now

I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?

at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.

Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.

math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass

me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?

math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit

me:

math teacher:

me: i don’t- is that going to be enough

This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.

When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.

12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.

Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.

12yo: Kids do that?

Me:

12yo:

Me: No.

You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…

Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.

HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN

I hate all this sex on the TV

I keep falling off.

What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?

What is the HOA going to do about the noisy kids who keep coming in my house and demanding dinner and calling me mom

My relationship advice?

Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.

[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u again

DATE: That would be nice

ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her

Best thing about staying in an Airbnb is trying to see what’s in that one locked closet.

Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.

Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects

Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again

ME: I’m here for toilet pap–

COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS

ME: But I…

COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS

ME: I just nee–

COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI

ME: *spends $472*

There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.

The real body count is how many people are in therapy because of you

This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now

“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door

If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.

if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times

A coworker just said she couldn’t change the printer ink because she’s very sensitive to electrodes(?) and didn’t have the right crystals to counteract(??)

Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800

they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup