Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*

Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe

Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.

GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.

ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?

Software Development ⛵️

Women’s Magazines:

Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.

Why would I go to my high school reunion? I didn’t want to be there the first time.

I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?

If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.

Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor

Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?

Me: Yes, I do.

Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?

Me: I’m not sure.

Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!

[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities

M: *sweating*

Some Guy: You look hot.

M: *sweaty blushing* thank you

The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus

A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.

My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.

Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month

Me: ok I won’t.

[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]

Wife:

Me: starting now.

Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride

Me: It’s time to take a bath.

6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!

Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.

6: For my whole life?

Me: Yes

6: What!? Uggggghhhhh

imagine you get to the gates of heaven and they make you download an app to go in

The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.

*during sex

Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?

Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?

Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…

I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops

My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”

Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday

Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.

Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”

Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”

My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.

Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit

Them: Why are you late?

Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.

[ad for milk]

give your Skeleton strength for the war to come

Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate