Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.

Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.

Wife: actually I’m holding my son.

Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?

Wife: oh god.

Kidnapper: what?

Wife. you have my husband.

i don’t need to touch grass i need to touch one million dollars cash

Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”

being in your 30s would be so fun if you didnt wake up each morning with neck pain that suggests you slept hanging upside down like a bat

[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond

Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…

I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.

Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD

I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle

One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.

[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”

Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.

Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.

I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently

i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.

FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.

Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?

Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.

“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”

Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here

Whenever you feel like the world is falling apart, take a deep breath and remember you’re right.

i don’t think he’s the guy. the shooter used a silencer and an italian would never attempt to be quiet in public

Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*

A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches

[during sex]

her: hurt me

me: there’s only one season of firefly

Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and death

Me: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.

My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”

I know he means well.

[ad for florist]

Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?

Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.

Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps

Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.