ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
You Might Also Like
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
I’ve started taking a brisk walk straight after dinner and it’s saving me an absolute fortune on restaurant bills.
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
Nothing worse than when I turn up to Park Run to find it is indeed going ahead
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.