Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.

I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.

Okay, Hello Kitty.

Fine. Miss Piggy.

Ursula.

How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.

Some things are better left unsaid

Tequila – No they’re not

*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*

When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like

Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?

Good times.

Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.

Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.

Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?

[crime scene]

*detective snaps pics of murder victim*

Corpse: delete it

please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.

automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT

Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.

imagine being one of those monkeys climbing a tree after living in a cage, bet it blew their little monkey minds

Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?

casting director: can you play a Canadian?

me: eh?

casting director: [under breath] holy shit

The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.

Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.

Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!

I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.

I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.

When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.

If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die

The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad

The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.

I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.

She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.

we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive

I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.

Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.

Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.

Me: “Can you go back four slides?”

Bride: “To the wedding dress?”

Me: “No, the cheese plate.”

Me: Wipes tears.