Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.

Just got a call from the vet to schedule my dog for her shots. I asked for an estimate and they transferred me over to their lending department.

dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton

baa baa black sheep: uhhh

dealer: *narrows eyes*

farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made

Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019

*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*

One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.

Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.

I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.

Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.

Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.

WAITER: questions about the menu?

ME: is it recycled paper?

WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it

ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?

how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch

One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.

her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?

*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong

ㅤ

I started cooking dinner, and my 7yo paused in her playing, gave me a hard side eye, and opened the window in anticipation of smoke. That burn is worse than anything I could do to the food, y’all.

Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’

I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?

Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping

I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”

I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.

[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*

My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.

Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?

Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.

“Man, what’s eating you today?

*looks down*

I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!

I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.

I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.

Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.