Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*quits cold turkey*

*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*

[rolls down car window]

“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”

Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!

Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.

Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*

I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.

My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.

Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.

Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.

“Can I take your order?”

Wait, take it where?

“No, not-”

I haven’t even given you my order yet

“I mean-”

WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER

Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox

If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.

My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.

*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack

Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe

coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.

me: God?

coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.

me: (nods) Cheesus.

[homeschooling]

ME: what is 345 minus 127?

DAUGHTER: 218

ME: *filling out tax form* thanks

If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them

So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.

My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”

I’m suddenly having trust issues.

DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight

I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.

Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?

Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…

If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist

Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…

Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners

Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*

Me: here’s the thing Curp

Lowes employee: it’s Curt

Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are

Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.

Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.

3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*

Me: What are you doing?!

3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.

Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg

My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,

“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”

The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.