Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share

Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.

I’m good, thanks.

They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.

Like that’s going to dissuade me.

An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.

Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.

*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*

Mercury in retrograde again I see

My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped

Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”

[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]

Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn

Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.

A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50

[stuck on side of road]

DATE: can you change a tire?

ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?

I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.

Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.

I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:

Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.

And then he walked away like it was completely normal.

Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.

Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 32nd time.

[millipede preschool]

head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…

Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.

Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words

DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”

Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.

Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen

what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion

Mine in this week’s New Yorker

i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van

Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move

What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?

If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.

I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”