Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
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Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
if i dont respond to your reply to my tweet it is for one of two reasons:
1. the conversation is over, there is nothing left to say
2. you stumped me. i cant think of a witty response. you won.
but i will NEVER be disclosing which is which
Receptionist at the Dentist: What’s your availability six months from now?
Me: I don’t know my availability SIX MINUTES from now!
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
Police Officer: And where have you been tonight?
3 Kings: We’ve been hanging round barns looking for a virgin.
Police Officer: Come with me to the station please.
You’re an adult – you can eat the whole tube of toothpaste if you want to. No one can stop you
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.