Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
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Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
Blocking someone isn’t enough; I’ll live under their bed and tickle their feet every time they come out of the covers at night.
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
The worst part of marriage is when you do something stupid, the best part of marriage is when your partner does something stupid
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
gpt-6 will have the intelligence of someone who decided not to get a PhD
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.