Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food

Priorities

Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.

What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.

Them: You’re a dumpster fire.

Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?

So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY

Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?

My dog: PLAY WITH ME!

Me: *grabs toy*

My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….

As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.

*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot

Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider

Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.

one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back

People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.

ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.

Churches be like pew pew pew

I have a magnetic* personality

*Clingy and obsessive.

[Before the ten commandments were handed down]

Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?

Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea

my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that

me: not today satin

y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?

some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”

Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.

never stops being funny

dog 911: what’s your emergency

dog: there’s an intruder

dog 911: is he in your house?

dog: no, he’s across the street

dog 911: that’s not a problem

dog: what if he comes over here?

dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES

dog: SHOULD I BARK?

dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES

Capital punishment should only be used for people who say the meeting will end early and then run 5 minutes over.

The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.

Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.

Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.

Sub-Zero: You first.

Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.

Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”

When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.

You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum

if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done