Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.

Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.

These are too funny not to post 😂

you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?

For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.

If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?

if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”

Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore

Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you

horse: is ur name liam

liam neeson: yea?

horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie

liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me

Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.

Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use

I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing

You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs

My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.

We just need them to keep making increasingly serious movies until we finally understand the character of the Joker, a clown who is mean.

My dad just asked me, “if two vegans fight is it still called “a beef?”

Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.

Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN

I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…

I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.

Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.

DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]

“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”

Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”

“You’re so funny!”

Thanks, I didn’t get laid in high school.🤘

Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,

nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh

My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.

Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.

“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”

A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids

My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder

you wanna pause your show on peacock? you’re starting the episode over. you wanna skip ahead? you’re starting the episode over. you want closed captions? you’re watching below deck.