Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.

The more you know.

Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.

Just ordered me some pizza!

I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow

I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.

And they are appalled.

She is very cute, has great energy! 😂

stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen

How to open a letter:

1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO

All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus

Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.

Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?

Me: *chainsaw noises*

shaggy sneaking off to the kitchen to make a big a** sandwich while the rest of mystery inc is investigating the haunted house

Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???

hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday

not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it

you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”

My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”

Strudel me like one of your toaster girls

[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have

Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?

Me: We were robbed.

Husband: They only took the cookies?

Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?

Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti

Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that

[first day as a celebrity chef]

*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*

reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”

for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch

[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK

Anyone else having a near life experience today?

[watching christmas movie]

Me: who’s your favorite character?

Daughter: I like the grinch.

Me: but he’s the bad guy.

Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.

Me:

Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.

Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.

When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.