Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.

Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit

When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.

Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin

“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”

Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?

Me: I don’t have air conditioning.

Friend: How do you stay cool?

Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*

Friend: Holy shit.

Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.

If you want a nice quiet lunch, try a Shhhushi Bar.

my coworker threw a paper airplane at me and i was like “on today of all days 😟?” and she looked at me like this

Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*

Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*

Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.

Orange is oranging 🟠

WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT

people think 👼 is the angel emoji but 🍪 is actually much closer to the biblical description

When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.

Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.

Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.

Me: You have other pants and you wore those?

I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.

her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?

schrödinger: yes and no

My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”

Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work

Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over

Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.

My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids

Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.

[sloth wedding]

“I”

[six months later]

“do.”

My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.

*gently puts my sense of humor in rice*

[weapons store]

ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?

Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.

Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.

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