Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’

‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-

*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*

-was jumping in.’

If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him

I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato

Watson was Holmes schooled

me: you take your job a little too seriously

bouncer: *jumping up and down* what

This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety

The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell

The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors

Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.

Me: Say Mama.

Baby: Dada!

Me: Say Mama.

Baby: Papa!

Me: Say Mama.

Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.

Me: This is bullshit.

Baby: This is bullshit.

[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days

BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!

ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!

INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people

ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search

it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut

I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.

She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.

[fills dirty pan with water] I’m just gonna let this soak for an hour or 6 years.

-husbands everywhere

I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register

If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever

*getting murdered*

Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert

wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.

[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]

neighbor: hey there

me: greetums

“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”

~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…

Again

If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.

*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*

Me: You there! What year is it?

Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-

Me: I’m from the future, yes

Tupac: To deliver a message!

Me: No

Tupac:

Me: I’m just going to live here

Tupac:

Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though

Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.

Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?

Me: Am I in trouble?

Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]

Me: Oh no.

My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.

There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio

Feeling a little sad…

…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.

Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…

Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!

Boss:

Me: