Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
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I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
trying to win an argument online is sociopathic. i would concede anything to get a stranger to leave me alone.
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
[Person about to invent vaping] I wish this mango smoothie was on fire.
being able to sleep 8 hours straight is also wasted on children. for what? what do you have to do tomorrow? if i don’t get enough sleep tonight, i might get fired
Brie: France
Feta: Greece
Jack: top of the beanstalk
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
The Friday File.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
*Finally finishes my beach setup after two hours*
*Sits down triumphantly*
*Beach tent and umbrella fly away in a strong gust of wind*
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had