Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.

This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.

Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.

me when I see my crush

She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.

My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”

Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…

Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄

kidnapper: we have your son

dad: oh my god let me talk to him

kidnapper: very well

dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees

love tennis but never really been clear why they need a lifeguard

The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild

Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.

You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.

Shots it is!

The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!

The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.

*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.

Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour

Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before

Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.

Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?

GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.

Phone

Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.

Me: It’s okay. I’m up.

Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?

Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.

You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.

A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.

[Commercial for hobbies]

Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.

“HOBBIES”

8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?

ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch

8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?

@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.

My son just hugged me.

Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.

13-year-old: I need cool clothes.

Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.

13: That’s the problem

Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry

Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.

Burger King: A king.

Wendy’s: A joyous child.

Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.

Chairman:

Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?

When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.

But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.