Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.

-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again

grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—

me: it’s not controversial

grampa: don’t start

me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men

grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—

me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—

grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!

If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.

My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.

I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.

[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*

If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money

man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”

Message from the dog groomers

“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook

Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.

Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!

me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work

cashier: you give me $7.48

me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?

cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day

me (smirking): everybody wins

*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest

Paint me like one of your French girls….

With a big fat croissant in my mouth

Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”

Me: “No, there are explanations.”

has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet

WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD

I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.

it’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a like

I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.

I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.

*Job Position: Astrologer*

Interviewer: Tell me about myself

I just built an entire table backwards if anyone was curious what kind of idiot thinks they’re too smart for the instructions

I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.

the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .

Me: [getting ready for work]

Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.

Me: [decides to vacuum house]

birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it

Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats

hi. the. headline. wants. you. to. be. mad. that’s. how. it. makes. money.
🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷

The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”