Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.

I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains

TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future

ME: Really? Who wins the election?

TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace

ME: You need to be more specific

Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.

Teslas don’t have “New Car” smell…

They have an Elon Musk.

BRIDE TO BE: Did you pick up the centrepiece like I asked?
GROOM: YES. I’M NOT AN IDIOT
*kicks box of centipedes under sofa*

Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.

Make me look younger

Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”

FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.

[later]

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?

me: i think we should make a baby

wife: do you know how expensive babies are?

me: wait, you can buy them??

A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE

So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?

Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”

Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.

How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?

Me: Ah, the elusive white penny

Cashier: That’s a button

Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.

Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE

I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket

“You’re only as old as you feel.”

Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.

Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.

I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.

#gardening

Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.

[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord

[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*

Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.

Me: *they’re.

inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced

[in bed]

HER: I want you to do something naughty

ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*

Runner: What’s your fastest race?

Me: Taking the trash out at night