Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
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I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
#Caturday
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
If you bring your fancy peanut butter to the Home Depot paint department they have to stir it for you
5 ways to appear taller
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
7yo: Can I have some candy?
Me: No, not until after dinner.
7yo: Oh. *holds up empty candy wrapper* I accidentally snuck some.
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad