Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
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The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
when dads have a rap battle
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
He’s no fan of music
Not even the bluesiest
He cares not for museums
He thinks they’re the snooziest
He can’t make smalltalk
He’s just not the shmooziest
He’s awful with women
Even the flooziest
He loves only one thing
And of that he’s the choosiest
He’s
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..