me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
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If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
#StillHurts
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
woke up in the middle of the night with an incredible idea, notes app this morning says “sparkling cream cheese”