Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?

ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?

COP: I’m listening

I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.

Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.

ME: [gets into a car accident]

EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives

Jokes on them. I took 10.

Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.

Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.

BRAAAAAIDS

-zombie sleepover

My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.

We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.

Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.

Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough

*lies down on waxing table

Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.

In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.

There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.

Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.

I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations

Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.

When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.

I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.

Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse

I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?

I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.

I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point

If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.

i want to work in this restaurant

I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.

The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.

Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*

My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.

I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.

Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.

Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.