Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“No, it’s not me” 😂💀

“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro

Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.

Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol

My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.

Husband: Um, what are you doing?

Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor

Husband:…

Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels

The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.

In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.

Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards

Him: I missed you

Me: I missed you too

*we both reload our duelling pistols*

therapist: how have you been coping with everything

me: with sarcasm mostly

therapist: has that been working

me: yeah it’s been super great

I just can’t think what this suitcase is the best thing since?

Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.

Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.

My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”

[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]

cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children

Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.

Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?

i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.

Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”

Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.

Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now

“It all started when my mom met my dad…”

I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.

More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.

And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.

So cis people are super normal

My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow

There is nothing special about tomorrow

But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over

No YOUR a grammar nazi!

Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok

[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf

If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?

*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*

[at a wake]

Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this

Widow: wow

Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.

guy: [drinking a coke]

me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body