Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands

WIFE: At the same time

THERAPIST: In sync?

TOGETHER: *screams*

The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.

FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!

ME: This reminds me of a time

FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*

When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.

Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.

Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.

I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’

Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.

A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.

My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.

Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.

[leaving for vacation]

Me: Do we have everything?

Kids: Yes!

Me: Let’s go!

[5 min up road]

Son: Dad, where’s mommy?

Me: *makes u-turn*

Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon

gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t

Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”

My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.

“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”

– My current favorite child

It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.

When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”

Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.

We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that

DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*

For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.

huge if true: the moon

When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”

Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”

little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies

Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”

“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.

Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.