Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower

Him: whatcha doing over there?

Me: playing on my phone

Him: oh yeah? What game?

Me: my favorite game

Him: which one is that?

Me: …Amazon

The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.

Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..

My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch

I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”

finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all

Wait a minute…

Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.

Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.

You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.

I don’t want to forget anything so I always make a list before I go to the supermarket:

1. Get shopping
2. Pay for shopping
3. Come home

I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.

The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.

Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.

A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”

waiter: any questions?

me: did courtney kill kurt??

him: uh, about the menu?

me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu

I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.

It’s true.

After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.

God: let there be light!

vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now

[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]

Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.

5 year old: *cries*

If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂

Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…

Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.

When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.

When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.

*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”

[first day as a chiropractor]

assistant: all your patients are complaining

me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it

assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?

A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.

I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.

[naming god’s creations]

mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth

insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend

angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant

insect 7: yay!

angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater

mammal 93: ya- wait wut?

Why don’t ants get sick?

Because they have antybodies