me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
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Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
[My 2 girls have been doing skin care and my wife is trying to get them to stop]
My wife: I didn’t do skin care when I was your age.
6yo: Yeah, because skin care wasn’t even invented then.
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
How come it’s called “thrift store shopping” instead of Goodwill hunting?
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands