Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.

My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.

Pray for me.

I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.

“Let’s break a leg today guys!”

–Actors and mobsters getting pumped for work

Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.

[polygraph test]

Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?

Me: Committed, or been caught?

Tester: …

Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.

*needle goes crazy*

Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.

whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!

“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”

wow ok you did not age well

My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me

Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase

Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?

ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.

Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.

Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful

Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?

Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf

If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.

ME: i joined CrossFit

PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin

judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor

Him: Can you turn on the wifi?

Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*

Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.

I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.

The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.

There are four main food groups:

1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried

– Are you upset?

Typing…

Typing…

Typing…

Typing…

– No.

honey, i think the milk’s gone bad

“i only bought it yesterday”

yeah well, look at this..

*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*

In retrospect the What Would Dave Grohl Do wristbands might not be the can’t miss million dollar idea that I thought they would be

i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”

Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”

And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”

I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure