me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
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my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
I’m not afraid of ghosts because everyone who’s mad at me is still alive.
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same