me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
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Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
Not to brag but I run faster than the speed of light.
My tortoise’s name is Speed of Light.
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
Möther may I have a snäck
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
My 7yo asking me when I’m leaving, how long I’ll be gone, the earliest I’ll get back, and how long it takes for me to drive home from where I’m going sends up all kinds of red flags.
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what