me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
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The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
A big FUCK YOU to people driving small cars and pulling deep into parking spaces so I think I have a spot until the last second.
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
i know that the frontal lobe is not developed before age 25 because i got married when i was 24 and decided to get my first ever spray tan spontaneously on the day of my wedding.