Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card

babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before

Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.

Parents in the 80s:
Bye.

Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.

It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.

She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.

She starts the blender reluctantly.

In the distance, screams.

The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.

Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.

My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.

*knocks on morning wood*

1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.

2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.

3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!

4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!

My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!

A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.

And you’ve got two faces.

the rocks need my help

The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.

For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.

ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie

Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.

Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.

I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday

Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.

I cannot stop laughing at this

Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp

I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.

I am such a fun person and so easy to get along with as long as the layout I have secretly imagined for the entire day goes exactly as I planned it without variation or interruption

[First day as a personal chef]

How do you take your poptart?

the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food

wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!

[my funeral]

college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.

DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians

ME: *hand shoots up*

EXEC: NOT with velociraptors

ME: *hand drops down*

Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday

if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck