Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
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My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
Love when a doctor emails me about my “outstanding bill” if it’s so good why don’t YOU pay it
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
Bloody internet 😳
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!