ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
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*Inspirational Tweets*
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu? Bird flu requires tweetment; swine flu requires oinkment.
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
New menu item
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”