ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
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PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
you’ve destroyed the sanctity of this gazebo you belligerent fool
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
I am a gravy boat captain
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
Bartenders are just boneless bars
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.