ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
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My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
definitely did not do anything wrong
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
Seductively sings in Klingon.
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file