Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
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I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
Folks ask me if I ever get tired of putting smiles on the faces of kids and their families in my job as a theme park mascot and my answer is always the same: God yes, are there any openings where you work?
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)