Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
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*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
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They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
I remember when yoga was called Twister.