Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.

I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.

What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?

Show me your pushy.

– Sean Connery shext

Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.

Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*

Forgive me, for I have sinned.

Same time tomorrow?

Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.

“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”

*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*

Magician: I can make anything disappear

Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea

Magician: *waves hand* done

om: *holding cup* it didn’t work

Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send

Math teacher; suppose you have five friends

Me:

If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore

Husband: *gives me two pancakes*

Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.

Husband: And?

Me: Keep stacking, buddy.

I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.

I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.

A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird

a haunted house called blood bath & beyond

Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.

“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”

My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink

I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it

If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard

Now this is how you LinkedIn

Boss: you need to take a drug test

Me: not if you want me to do this job

Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess

Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.

I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.

I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong

@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉