Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.

Me: Go get everyone for dinner please

6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!

Me: I meant go walk and get them

6: But I like using my mommy voice

Me:

6: The screaming

Me: I got it

Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?

Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.

I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp

Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.

You’re welcome…

You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit

Just another unrealistic body expectation for women

Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops

I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.

[first day as a real estate agent]

me: as you can see this is a beautiful house

client: how many floors does it have

me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room

@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!

Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.

Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale

[town square in a thunderstorm]

Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.

His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrella

Galileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*

Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*

Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.

Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly

Me: oh God ok

Robber: Where’s the safe?

Me: Over there

Robber: Where’s the key?

Me: In that drawer

Robber: What day is it?

Me: oh no

*getting kidnapped*

Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits

ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW

When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”

I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane

ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.

The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.

Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest

me: hate mechanics who talk down to me

also me: this guy is perfect

Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight

My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.

If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services

Theater attendant:
Sir, you can’t bring your own popcorn in here

Me: *pausing microwave
What?

Just burnt 2,000 calories…

That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!