ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
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Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
Anyone else just agree with people sometimes so they’ll stop talking?
Wait… Why is everyone nodding their heads?
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.