Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
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wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
Still laughing at this stupid meme
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”