Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
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EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
The United Steaks of America
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.