Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
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When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
Every night at bedtime I do one small ritual: six hours on my cell phone
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
Soldiers seen here arriving before the infamous Battle of Baguettysburg.
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
So you heard that after I won several cuts from the butchers in a card game, I got back home to the farm to find out that one of my female sheep was questioning the existence of tropical cyclones, and you want to know if its true?
Well that’s four meat Uno, and ewe typhoon doubt.
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
*mixes raisins into my mac and cheese*