Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.

“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies

jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done

Batman trying to get some sleep during the day

Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums

I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”

Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.

Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”

Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.

Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.

You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.

Always trust a glue salesman…

They tend to stick to their word.

writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill

editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on

writer: well, they go up a hill

editor: i’m already bored

writer: to fetch a pail of water

editor: kill me

writer: no trust me it gets better

Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.

Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil

Santa is always broke after Christmas.

That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.

#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts

Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.

My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.

I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.

I am not a smart woman.

being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot

My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)

My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”

Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.

1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.

2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.

If you lick me, I taste like vodka.

Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…

At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.

9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.

Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.

turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁

I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.

What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.