Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
You Might Also Like
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
thank god I have a cat. who else is gonna shit in this box I have
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
i saw someone a few weeks ago say “if brain eating bacteria got into your head it would starve” and i’ve been saying it to people since. just incredible. a really great insult
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming