Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
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LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
The year is 2075. Nuclear fallout has caused genetic mutations resulting in people having six to eight fingers on each hand. Some people have three arms. It’s horrifying, but on the plus side, AI-generated art finally looks true to life.
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
Are you guys ready for tomorrow??? It’s gonna be a HUGE day. I hope you’re prepared. I love taco Tuesdays. Gonna eat so many.
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.