ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
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I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
it isnt your fault that you are unhappy and unsuccessful. in my 6 week online course i will teach you the true reason why your life is bad: a witch cursed you with “misery orb” at birth. i will show you how to locate and extract the orb from your brain using household items
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
58.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Smooooooth
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
What flavor cupcake are these
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
(my date twirling her hair)
“Can I use your bathroom quick?”
Absolutely, gorgeous.
*hears the longest fart ever as she closes the door*
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
somebody come look at this
