Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it

*At the local breakfast restaurant

Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?

Me: Reese’s

Them: your pets are spoiled

Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide

My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.

A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars

Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.

Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!

Who called it baking and not making love

20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—

40: wtf just happened

My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.

This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.

A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.

What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.

Me: did you like that movie?

Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.

When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo

Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.

Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.

[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.

Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*

Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*

Kid 2: *hold my espresso*

My dad is describing in great detail how he would kill the grinch while My mom is cooking breakfast for sixteen people.

My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol

Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.

Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*

YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-

Me: I can take it from here.

Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem

pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes

Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.

[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were here

Domino’s : we said 30 min or less

Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.

i see you kids buying pre-rolled joints and now i understand the pain my grandpa felt when i told him i paid somebody to change my car’s oil

I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.

The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.