Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick

I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on

Whoever came up with “penny for your thoughts,” “don’t nickel and dime me,” and “another day another dollar” sure knew how to coin a phrase.

Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.

I call this the Heineken maneuver.

I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.

Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :

If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin

hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this

me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that

My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.

if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo

Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.

Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.

If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today

She: I like Cats
He:

I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.

Her: I need advice.

Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.

Twitter: Ed Asner died

Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor

T: Betty White is trending

Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!

T: She’s fine

Me: Why would you do that?

I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers

I need to know the brand of toothbrush my neighbor has. I hear it buzzing sometimes an hour at a time and she’s clearly enjoying it

[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.

Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night

[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution

All right then, keep your secrets

My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale

My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts

“Can someone call me a doctor?!”

You’re a doctor.

“Please I’m losing my patience!”

You’re a terrible doctor.

Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.

*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand

* on my death bed

Me: One thing I want you to do for me…

Wife: Name it?

Me: I want you to marry Larry.

Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?

Me: I do.

Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…

It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.

This kitten is just what my house needed.

Another female that doesn’t listen to me.

If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies